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| The feeling is genuine. |
| 04.02.04 (8:35 am) [edit] |
That's what my postcard from my car dealer says.. ha!
it's coffee time.. My favorite time. It's been a good week, I've been going crazy and I don't exactly know why.. I think it's more stir craziness than anything, but this weekend I'm hitting the coast, that's exciting. It's not exactly my ideal situation, as I am basically going to check out my roomates best friends new "date".. how intimidating is that? I almost feel bad.. I mean usually people who date new people want their friends to meet them sure, but this is literally a "what do you guys think" mission. Who cares what we think!?! If you're happy, dammit, I'm happy!!! My roomate and myself are the last people on the planet that I'd want doing that to me! I think the only reason why I almost feel bad, is because it's an excuse to go do something out doors! I don't know.. I always get roped into this stupid shit, and it's my fault I know! Maybe from not paying attention? who knows... Anyway, I hope this girl ends up being nice. I feel bad that she's gotta experience the terrible twosome of my roomate and myself. When we are on the same level of goofiness it can get pretty bad! Poor thing.
My uncle came to town, I hadn't seen him for 5 years.. I met up with him, and he ended up coming over, which was embarassing because none of us have cleaned the house in a week. It was BAD.... of course when I meet up with him he's on the phone with my mother... She's not the spy type, but come on!!!! We stayed here for an hour or so, and caught up.. He's a great guy, we are pretty close, but sometimes it's nervewracking. A few of my aunts and uncles had their own opinions about me picking up and moving across the country... I know not everyone shares the whole "how are you going to survive without us" theory.. including my parents.. but it's extra intimidating for some reason. Plus the fact that 3 yeas ago my aunt had the pleasure I never had of outing me, and searching for reasons "why that happened" within herself, within the family.. It's like she was bored, and I was her new challenge.. I don't have a problem with my gayness... hahaha! I never did!! I do have a problem with the fact that everyone will talk about it, but nobody will talk to me about it. It's not like I am dying to talk to my mom about women, or seek advice, because that's my worst nightmare, I know the woman! she'd take it to another level entirely, and I never want to hear "well, when I was 18 i was attracted to a woman"... nooooo!! nightmare!!!!!!! I know that my family doesn't have any issues with it, but it would be nice if they just talked to me like I'm a normal person, instead of treating me like I ran away so I could be gay somewhere else.. Which is entirely the opposite of what I did... I didn't leave because I was angry, or scared that they'd find out.. I left because i wanted to live my life! I guess they don't get it yet... and just look at me funny... that 2 second stare of sympathy.. ARGHH.. I love them though! It was nice to catch up with my uncle though. He's pretty much the only one outside of my parents who doesn't treat me like a runaway!!! As for now, I'm trying to motivate myself to go to work.. It's not working. The wind was blowing something devious last night. It was strong and blowing things across my patio, which is right outside my bedroom window. I kept waking up in the middle of the night all freaked out. 8 more hours until freedom...
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| Hold me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me... |
| 03.27.04 (9:32 am) [edit] |
GOD I love that song... It has one of the best drum parts ever.. Anyway, I am attempting to Blog.. it's been an interesting week, I don't know where to even start it's been saturated with shittiness!!!
I guess I'll start with my Microwave.. I had this shitty microwave at my old house.. but it was great!!!!! When I moved, one of my roomates had a newer better looking one, so we replaced my shitty one with the pretty one.. It looked great but it SUCKED... Recently my roomates purchased a new microwave to replace the pretty shitty one, and this thing just told me to "enjoy my coffee"... what is that!? It gives you little messages every time you heat things up.. it's fucking great!!!!! It's 9 in the morning, I've been up since 8.. which is obnoxious, but I went to bed sooo early last night. I feel rested. My dog got sick on wednesday, by wednesday night we were rushing him to the emergency vet clinic. Poor little guy got so sick he had to stay there for 2 days.. I got to pick him up yesterday, but he's been sleeping since. It's like he went on a sleeping strike for 2 nights. This is the second time he's gotten sick in a month, so far the bills are almost pushing 3,000 dollars. My roomates, the banes of my existence sometimes, left a "luna bar".. those womens bars on the kitchen table, and he decided to treat himself. I've told them soooo many times not to leave shit like that out, like how they leave allergy medicines on the counter of their bathroom, or nail clippers... It's like, if you can't put your shit away, then keep your door shut atleast??? It's too hard.. they tell me to train him not to take things... OUCH... so after receiving a $1200 estimate from the vet, being up all night, and coming home they greet me with "maybe if you trained him against taking things, this wouldn't have happened".... Now I am a pretty calm person, but that comment put me through the fucking roof and I needed to remove myself from the situation.. so I went and visited my aunt, who is still sick, but doing much better! so overall I feel better. It's the weekend, not doing anything but going through boxes for good will, just fucking chill I suppose. I'm noticing that i am slowly coming out of my creativity block. Writing a little bit more, hearing music in my head, seeing words scroll down before my eyes.. Our new CD is coming out next week, which is exciting and scary at the same time. I've been so detached from the project for the past year or so, but 2 of the singles that were chosen to go to radio were the two we co-wrote together. Funny thing is listening to those songs now, 3 years after they were written.. I feel like I can't listen to them. I hear every mistake, every hesitation!!!!!! It's frustrating.. I feel like how can anyone like this shit???? I know I am being too hard on myself....Besides, I don't get to play them anymore... I am going to ask though if I can play the CD release party, the ones I was on atleast... it means so much to me, maybe it would give me some closure with this band, and allow me to move on and start another band? Who knows.
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| Mental Health Day |
| 03.18.04 (11:22 am) [edit] |
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It's thursday, mental health day number 1. I decided to take a few days off from working due to the enormous amounts of stress I have been feeling lately. I'm tired, batteries are low.. I need to recharge them before I run myself into the ground. I don't have a completely stressful life.. My job can get stressful, it burns me out from time to time, but what job doesn't? You wake up, go to the same place day after day, see the same faces week after week, deal with the same problems month after month. It gets tiring.. and I have a tendency for workaholism... new word? I finally decided to take some sick time off, because there are things I need to deal with that I haven't been. My best friend and I moved here 4 years ago this august. Two crazy musicians in a whole new world. My best friends auntie took us in for a year, took care of us, gave us guidance, kicked our asses when we needed it, loved us.. She took me in as her own, for someone not having family around me I appreciated it more than anything. Last year, Valentines day actually.. she sat us down and told us that she had AIDS. She had been sick previously for months.. she's your typical non-stopper, never sick, never suffering, never showing weakness.. suddenly she was sick for months. She found out a month previously, but didn't have the heart to tell us. I was completely devastated for a week, I didn't eat, sleep, couldn't think, didn't understand why... She provided us with more comfort in that week than we provided her!!!! ha ha! Which is typical in her fashion. Eventually she slowly got her health back, returned to a normal routine of work, and house projects.. and everything seemed to return to normal, or as normal as things can be, until last week when she got sick again. This time we can't go see her. She lives up the street.. I drive by her house every day on my way to work, and I can't go see her, and it's killing me. The reality of her illness is hitting me harder than ever before. I feel devastated all over again. Can't concentrate, can't sleep, eat.. I am trying to find a strength so deep inside of myself that I am not so sure that I can find it, and it's scaring me. I am one of the thousands of people out there who thought that they would never know someone so close to them to be affected by HIV/AIDS.. I want to be strong for her, because god knows she is staying strong for me... how can I be strong when I am falling apart inside? I feel like it's a selfish feeling, to fall apart like that... then again, I won't let anyone talk to me about it, nor will I talk to anyone. Maybe this is a good step in building up the inner strength inside of me.. Write it down.. type it down, whatever.. because I can't write it.. I don't know why typing it seems easier.
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| Everything was perfect. |
| 03.16.04 (8:39 am) [edit] |
I had the most amazing weekend I've had in a long long time. My roomie and I decided to defy the depressions of singledom and enjoy ourselves this weekend. Friday we went to a show at this tiny little goth club in the city, to see her co-workers boyfriend's band play. I wish I could remember the name of the band, because they were realllly good. He played bass, and looked like Robert Smith. The club was small, dark, and had this grotesque art in every corner. We bought beer by donation (where else can you buy 3 beers for 5$????), they played the cocteau twins during intermission... I was in heaven. Saturday was wonderful as well... It was 91 degrees out, so we spent the day at a new dog park in mountain view. The people were great there. I have so many issues with people who don't know their dogs, and let aggressive dogs interact with non-aggressive ones, then don't intervene. My dog got attacked last year (he was only 8 months old) by an aggressive dog while camping. There isn't a set leash law, but every time you walked by his site, the dog would chase you away teeth bared and barking. We stayed away on purpose, but the owner let the dog roam the campsite. My dog was playing with another dog who was also a puppy. This big dog ran in, and started picking on them.. then he bit my dog, puncturing his cheek. I was SOOOO fucking livid. When I went to tell him what his dog had just done, he didn't even care.. The dog even had the nerve to growl at me... the owner told me "that's his way of saying sorrrrrrry"...the fucker. Anyway, these dogs were great.. we stayed for a few hours, then came home and watched Under the Tuscan Sun, which was pretty decent.... then took a break because my new neighbors behind us were having a party. The night was beautiful, it was warm and the moon was out. They were blasting Banda and Mariachi music, some tejano.. mostly Banda.. So we opened a bottle of wine, drank it, danced around under the moon and stars until it was over! It was so much fun... albeit corny, but fun... Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? Afterwards we watched Bend it like Beckham.. an amazingly funny and brilliant movie!!!!!
Sunday I looked for a new car...... stupid. I don't know what the hell got into me, but I wanted to get some options for trading in my truck. Like anyone would provide you with options in that business? They just wanted to get me into something and go.... whatever.. I didn't do it. I love my car now, but it has 68,000 miles on it now, and I'd rather trade it in now when I can get something for it, than later when it's worthless...
Last night I headed out to the city again to see Berlin and the Psychedelic Furs.... GOD it was amazing.. We had sooo much fun. It was my second time seeing both.. it was incredible, but also incredibly hot in there. Slims seemed to be a weird venue for bands like that... maybe because a few years ago I played there... ha ha ha!!!!! It was weird! I see them inviting bigger and bigger bands now, small clubs are all the rage :)
Ah well.... gots ta work now
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| So F*ing Tirrred |
| 03.12.04 (8:14 am) [edit] |
I am soooooo fucking tired. I can't stand it... I did not want to wake up this morning... Why must we wake up so early???? only to go to work! arghhhhhhh.. It's friday, fryday. I am supposed to go to the city later to see a friends band play... but have to work tomorrow for a little while in the morning... I wish I kept my mouth shut.. the girl I am working for would never work for me... she will agree to, then try to get out of it later. Oh well, to suffer for 3 hours in the wee hours of saturday morning... I am hoping to bust up to Napa for some wine tasting and country relaxation. It's been so nice lately. I am not sure if we'll make it up to the city.. Last night it was "I don't knowwwwwww"... I don't care either way.... I love san francisco, but haven't loved driving there lately, haven't loved hanging out, haven't loved going to bars/clubs, whatever... I don't know why?? I just want to do something different for a change I guess. Something that encourages development of brain cells, not mass murder of them.. ha ha..
and my roomate says I've gotten "boring".... great.
Maybe I have.
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| Stuff stuff stuff |
| 03.11.04 (8:25 am) [edit] |
Well, it's thursday... Interestingly enough it doesn't feel like the week has flown by... This weekend has a huge question mark behind it... I do feel like going out, but I don't know what I want to do... I've got the song "it's like WO" in my head again..... jeezzzzzus... How many times????? Every single morning when I wake up it's like "wo"... my shower's like "wo".. my blog is like "wo"... work is like "wo".. Wo... wo.. wo.. I finally got a peak of the mysterious "dream girl" that my roomate has been agonizing over lately. I must say that she seems like a nice person (like you can tell from a personal ad)... It makes me happy to see her go for the *good girl* as opposed to the *bad girl* this time around... I just hope that if anything comes of it, she doesn't act the bad girl part.... games, bad behavior, etc.... yeah yeah, I should give her more credit.. but I've known her a lonnnnnnnnnnnng time, and I've seen it all! I don't know how we get along so well, as long as we don't talk about dating, or the ethics of we're fine.. once we start, we want to strangle each other!
I will never see things the way she sees them. I can't get a person interested in me by playing a game with them. I never have, and never will. I just hope that with her, the games have stopped. I just worry... I want to see her happy and in a relationship, with a good person who wont put up with any of her bullshit. Not someone just as bad, who enables the bullshit, ya know?
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| Hair Care.... |
| 03.10.04 (8:53 am) [edit] |
I don't know what the hell to do with my hair.. that is what I am thinking about today... actually for the past few days. Kind of a silly topic to write about but what the hell. I am trying to grow it out.. I've gone through a million different colors the past 3 years, even had a faux hawk thing.. which is what I get for having an innovative hair stylist! ha ha... She cuts my hair for free, which means if I get too picky, she makes me pay.. ;) I had to dye my hair conservatively for my parents wedding... I actually like the coloring... but growing out the remnants of the faux hawk is killing me. I have little patience! It's long on top, but the underneath is taking it's time to catch up.... I've tried to grow it out atleast 3 times... but my hair is wavy on one side, straight on the other, so everything ends up looking fucked up.... I could just shave my head and start over, but then again I would probably go straight first! Oh well.... it's down to my shoulders.... I like hats.. wearing one right now.. hatshatshatshats........... It's going to be nice today :)
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| I've got Spring Fevahh |
| 03.09.04 (6:24 pm) [edit] |
:P
I had a fascinating weekend.... wow! My roomate and I kidnapped a chicken, and brought it snowboarding.
Anyway... We snuck into the ski resort, got to board for free for an hour.. it was GREAT. The snow was shit, so only one trail was operational, but I didn't care, I just "had" to hit my favorite trail... even if it did resemble an ice slick. It wasn't until I was halfway down did I realize how truly fucked I was.... so I tried to cross over 3 trails, and totally ate shit... I just stopped suddenly, and dropped to my knees.. I've never felt so much pain!!! I was seeing gray patches in front of me, just laid there for a minute.... tried to get up..... said fuck it, took off my board, sat down on my ass, and finished the disastrous run sled style... I had so much fun! My knees think differently, though I am happy to report that aside from ghastly bruising, everything is fully operational.
The next day we went to the dog park, where my roomate agonized over this potential "dream girl", then took us to this amazing rock overlooking a valley, and a creek.... We saw rabbits.. .and the dog got covered in ticks... now, I thought there was nothing worse than a spider to me.... well, ticks too.... ick ick ICK... in Massachusetts they are hideous.. I've never seen one here, though I know that they do indeed exist. Thank goodness for frontline, as they hadn't bitten at all... EW..... that was my weekend.. hoping for another adventurous one soon.
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| Rock the boat... Rock the boat... |
| 03.05.04 (8:37 am) [edit] |
Here I am, I made it!...... These past few days have been bizarre.. I've woken up to Aaliyah's "Rock the Boat" playing over and over in my head... Ah yes, Aaliyah.. I developed this affinity for her, sadly after she passed away, but I went through a period where that is all I would listen to in the car, at work, at home.. ME.. it's an irony. I never used to listen to R&B or Hip Hop until I moved here, now I love it! It's all about diversifying your musical tastes right??? That added just another weirdness in my musical collection, because I jump back and forth constantly. Right now I am listening to "Babes In Toyland" in my car... going back to the riot grrl days. Wishing I could scream like Kat Bjelland. I can't express how many hours I spent in my bedroom as a teenager playing my guitar along to their records, screaming my little heart out. My mom yelling for me to turn it down. The music moved me off of my foundation... The music still moves me. People called it noise, for me it was empowerment...I still can't believe that with all of the torture I put my parents through, they never killed me.. Ha ha!! Listening to them to this day makes me want to run to the studio and create!!!
What to talk about? My two friends are still going through hell right now, which doesn't make me feel too good. This is kind of reminding me of last march, when in one day I got 4 phone calls in succession.. 4 couples, good friends had alllllll broken up. Only one has gotten back together, and are together to this day (I think)...it's sad to say this, but they were actually the last out of the four couples I thought would reunite... the 5th phone call was this particular friend who I am worried about now.. I am thinking "Oh fuck all, what now??? PLEASE tell me you didn't break up too"... "uhhhh no, was just wondering if you were still coming out this weekend"... Phew!!!!!!!!! March once again, and I am thinking that they are gonna break up too..... which would be the saddest thing that could ever happen. It's moments like these where I hate to say it, but I am glad that I am not in a relationship.. but it's a double edged sword and a cop-out to say that. Any relationship you get into, there is always a beginning, and most likely an end.. You can't be afraid of that. You have to live for the moment, not live for what "might happen", or what "might not happen".... just sit back, enjoy the ride, endure the speed bumps... blah blah blah... I am pretty sure what I just wrote is equal to a double negative... I try!
Relationships do not freak me out.....I just don't always have the greatest of luck when it comes to them ha ha ha..
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| Could today be better than yesterday? |
| 03.04.04 (10:12 am) [edit] |
Man.... what a fucking week this has turned out to be. If I only knew, I would have forced myself into some sort of hibernation... slept through it, then awaken to the outcome! Ha! What a pussy thing to say!
Since I try not to be a pussy (forgive me for using this word), I have in fact been the "anti-pussy", facing each of my friends and telling the truth of what I think when being asked questions. How often are we all faced with something awful that a person is going through, and they come to you and ask.. "what the hell do I do"... and we say... "don't worry, everything will be ok" even when you know damn well that it wont be ok... So instead of saying "everything will be ok"... I told the truth.... It hurts to do it, but the truth is the truth. There is nothing higher or more sacred than the truth. Even if telling it makes you feel like shit. So the goal of the rest of the day is to keep convincing myself of that. ha ha!.... Because I DO want to say it's ok, but I know it's not... What is with our pre-dispositions towards the positives during negative moments?????
I am making a declaration of the need to feel snow under my feet... dammit, I am going snowboarding. I haven't gone all year.. I only went once last year... I need it right now.
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| Overcoming Adversity |
| 03.03.04 (10:24 am) [edit] |
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You know when you wake up to news that you just aren't expecting... there is no real way to prepare for news of that aptitude, it just kind of bowls you over into silence... That's the kind of morning I am having. There are two people in this world that I love more than anything... and they are having a hard time right now, a really hard time.... It's not the first time they've faced a huge hurdle, but I think this is the first time that it's driven them apart. I wont go into any details, when someone hurts someone they love out of anger, where do you draw the line as a friend of both parties???? Personally I will not condone the actions of one member of this party.. but regardless I will love her, and be there for her, the same as I will for the other party. I think that's the best thing you can do.... It just hurts to know that two people who love each other as much as these 2 can hurt each other.... and I know right now they are falling apart. :cry:
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| I just can't... |
| 03.02.04 (5:01 pm) [edit] |
Nope, can't tell the "bad date" story.... That would be just wrong to display, I'm gonna stick that one in the vault! Besides, I leave it up to my friends to remember my "greatest moments"... for me so I don't have to!
The dentist was great.... can't believe I said that, but she was really nice about the whole root canal thing... It hurt afterwards, so I took some pain drugs, and went to work. It was great for a little while, but the spaciness has brought me back to the comforts of home. A few friends came to visit though, which is always nice.. but must they choose the day when I am drooling on myself? Ha ha... of course! :)
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| Another day, yet another root canal... |
| 03.02.04 (8:42 am) [edit] |
I am still pissed about being awake so early, I don't know what the hell my problem is, but I've got an appt. in 45 minutes... My last appt. YAY! The last mistake to fix in my mouth.... YAY! So far I've been up since 7:30, let my dog out who escaped at 7:45... I finally found him across the street trying to jump into a neighbors open car... whyyyy does he test me like that? So early! I am running after him with my hair all fucked up in my fishing tackle pajamas.... ha ha... I can only imagine what my neighbors think sometimes.
My roomate is disenchanted with the dating scene. Apparently she only gets hit on by older women, and is sick of it. It is her dream to start some sort of dating service that "caters to people like you"... being me.. because I don't pay attention to those services, let alone ever participate in them... I was questioned about it all evening... like 3rd degree questioning... ha ha.. Except I don't really have any answers! Besides, I couldn't even really think to begin with yesterday. I pulled too many brain cells. I am sure if i had a lot of experiences in dating that I would be able to rattle off a plethora of answers... I haven't really done it before, so when I say 'fuck if I know' I am telling the truth. How can I be 26 years old and never on a "real" date... ha ha! It's pathetic. The 2 people I ended up with moving here 4 years ago was a fluke... it's like you just kind of end up with a person, but there's no real romance to it or anything.. then you just kind of end up apart.. If I try to overanalyze it, it hurts my brain.. Sometimes I wonder what a real date would be like.. OK I've been on one.. it was one of those meetings where you know you're fucked. (no not literally)... but I can't talk about it now, because I've got to go to the dentist..... if any of my friends were asked about "bad date"... they would immediately know what was meant by that, and start giggling uncontrollably!
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| !@#%$~! |
| 03.01.04 (7:48 am) [edit] |
FUCK MONDAYS!!!... Arghhhh!!!!!!.....
I cannot even possibly begin to express the displeasure of awakening as early as I've awakened this morning, forcing my eyes open, throwing my body out of my warm bed, fumbling with the coffeemaker trying to jusitfy one reason why I should be so happy to wake up, and go to work....
It's so not happening!
The coffee is good though! Alas, a positive.... ha ha
Sometimes I don't know if I was wired right to fit into this world of 9 to 5... I almost wish I would have stayed in college, but then for sure I would be absolutely cursing mondays worse than I do now. It doesn't mean I don't sometimes wonder what would have happened if I stuck with it... would I be more warped than I am now??? Could I be???
I want to go back someday and get that spatial arts degree.. ah yesssss.... Someday!
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| Ughhh |
| 02.29.04 (10:50 am) [edit] |
Sunday is here..... I didn't do shit this weekend, except watch the whole second season of QAF on vhs ha ha, because nobody had it on DVD... I never really noticed the difference between the two formats, only the difference in the convenience... no rewinding.. blahhh blahhh... until I started watching it.. I was like WOW.. there really is a difference... techie me!!.. Sound and picture... I had to re-learn what "tracking" was... but it was good...I never really watched the show that much when it started, but then last season I think, I started catching episodes here and there... It's actually a good show. I don't know why I avoided it for so long? Perhaps to avoid the unevitible stereotyping?? which is actually less annoying, and more funny. They crack on lesbians a lot, and it's fucking hilarious! I thought the same things about the L Word, I guess I can be cynical when it comes to queer tv.. I am just happy that they didn't call the freakin' show "Earthlings" like originally planned! That would have been fun! It's nice though, to see something I relate to become successful. The ladies are all coming over to watch it today. It cracks me up when I get them all in one room together, because 3 out of 5 of them are my exes... I can't actually go that far... Ex wouldn't be a word I'd apply, more like formerly involved with, much happily and way better off friends with! Each had their own twisted tale, and happy ending.. and I am definitely not a slut, because I have not had sex in more than 2 years, and I have not even kissed anyone in like a year and a half!! By choice.... because if ya don't watch what you are doing, you could end up like me, surrounded by everyone you've slept with at one point or another!!!! I still don't even know how the hell that happened.
oh well.... They are the greatest friends a person could have though... even when they rank on me... which is funny, and usually when they are all together... I am probably the person in my circle of friends least likely to end up in a situation like that. But I was really young when I moved here, and incredibly dumb.... so I consider it my karma for sins of the past, ha ha.... happy sundayyyy
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| Today is a day, another day, yayyy.. |
| 02.27.04 (8:44 am) [edit] |
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I can't fucking believe it is friday. ALREADY? I don't know where my week went. Not that I am complaining or anything, friday means weekend for me!..It must have been because of work.. I've been scouring the database for information all week.. Information that might not even exist anymore! But the only way to find out is to look. ARghhh It was sooooo frustrating! I am glad it's over, finished yesterday. Today, I need to concentrate on re-organizing my area, since my desk looks as if it was hit with a tornado. So disorganized... I cleaned it last week too.... all it took was a week to fuck up. Other than that, I am glad that I saw the sun for 1.2 seconds this morning... I got good sleep last night, but for some reason I feel like I stayed up until 4am, drinking...... ha ha.. I didn't... but I did take vicodin again... I had such a successful experience with the damn drug the day before yesterday.. last night it made me feel like shit. Oh well... My teeth don't hurt this morning, so that's good news..... So I am off to work now! :twisted:
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| Rain, rain, more rain and... rain? |
| 02.26.04 (10:18 am) [edit] |
It has been raining for the past few days... I am not opposed to rain... but I think I am more than ready for the sunshine of the spring/summer. This summer I'd like to rent a house at Pajaro Dunes for a little over a weekend... Relax, surf, hang out with my friends. I am usually camping just about every weekend in the summer. I can't help it, just to get away from the monotony of every day life. But it would be nice to have an ocean getaway in the middle of all of that.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Nobody collapsed at my work, but I did go to the dentist, my last major appt. Last year, my bad dentist broke one of my teeth trying to fix another tooth, the asshole. I got that broken tooth fixed by the good dentist, who has done nothing but good stuff so far, ha ha! It hurt afterwards. I couldn't talk for a while, then went home and took 2 vicodin, read a book and went to sleep. Exciting huh? This morning it feels a little sensitive, but not too bad at all. I am just not looking forward to going to work! I've said this before, and I will say it a million times.. I love my job.. but I've been doing the same fucking thing for 3 fucking years, every single fucking day... it consumes 85% of my time... I spend 10% of my time on whirlwind quickie vacations back to the east coast to see my family when I get the chance, then spend 5% of my time sleeping. I would like to change the percentages a bit more on the leisure and sleeping side. The goal is to be in hawaii for my 27th birthday.. which is looking not so good at the moment...Why do we get to this point in our lives where everything is so rendundant, and everything seems so up in the air?? Like you can't figure out where you want to end up next?.. You've got a good idea about where you would like to eventually be... but then you know it's going to become the same ol' same ol'... Perhaps I need another friggin' hobby of some sort...
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| Work Work Work.. |
| 02.24.04 (9:58 am) [edit] |
I can't believe I am awake! Drinking coffee.... as usual.. dreading the hours ahead of me... working.... ha ha! I love my job. It's the most rewarding and aggravating job in the world. I had my dream job a few years ago, then had an accident, then didn't work for 2 years... When I could start working again, I could only work 20 hours a week.. I worked at an "independent living facility for the elderly". It was COOL.. The youngest person there was born in 1922. They served as my teachers, they talked I listened. It was kind of like an even exchange. They showed me their world, what they experienced, and I shared with them mine! Which got lots of "Good Heavens" and giggles. I loved that job. I knew it was temporary because I would be moving out of state, but I loved that job because it didn't feel like work. It felt like hanging out with hundreds of Grandmothers and Grandfathers who make sure you have eaten that day.. ha ha! I still received cards until about a year ago. I haven't sent any for 2 years... I know some are still with us, some are not. My job now is different.... I work with teenagers and some 20-21 year olds. Some days I enjoy it! cracking up constantly!!! Other days I want to kick the shit out of them, just line 'em up... mow 'em down!!!!! What a difference in work environments.. Not that the elderly wouldn't test my patience.. Every wednesday night we'd throw a cocktail party in the main foyer. Piano player.. the works.. We'd serve them drinks that were obviously watered down. Even the beers were tiny! Afterwards they'd play bingo. One night something happened, and all the ladies started going at it.. it was like this thing out of a dream, where one swears at one accuses them of cheating.. all the buddies buddy up, and they are yelling at each other. It ends up that being wise to our watering down of the drinks... a few decided to go to the liquor store, and were distributing their own cocktails before this event... so they were all 3 sheets to the wind.. it was the funniest thing I've ever seen!
Nowadays... my patience is tested on a daily basis. ha ha! I remember what it was like when I was a teenager working with all of my friends.. We gave our boss HELL... I mean HELL... so I guess this is my karma! :)
It kills me how they think I am this ancient person. I am 26 years old, and they call me an old lady... then again when I was 19, 26 was pretty old to me too.. oh well!.. time for work.
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| Thinking of Ruth.. |
| 02.23.04 (11:11 pm) [edit] |
I made a new friend today. We probably didn't meet under the best of circumstances, and probably wont ever see each other again, but I think the memory of her will stay with me forever. I was sitting in my office when I got a page that someone had collapsed up at the front of my work. This has happened before, so I called the paramedics, and went up to see what happened. She was this sweet elderly woman, and one of my co-workers had sat her down upright leaning against a counter so that she wouldn't fall over. She couldn't speak, she wasn't even looking at me. I was starting to panic, because I didn't know what to do... I was asking questions, and she'd kind of blank out, and move her mouth... she wasn't moving.. it was like she wasn't even there. I thought for a minute, pulled myself together, and sat down right next to her, and just started yapping, about anything and everything. Then she looked at me, and I could've sworn she saw me, so I introduced myself and asked her what her name was.. she said "My name is Ruth".. the more we talked, the more she started coming around. Then the paramedics came, and took her away. I told her to take care as she was wheeled outside, she said "don't you worry, I will" and the way she looked at me and smiled will stay with me for the rest of my life, I swear. She was just the sweetest woman.. and I hope that she is doing alright!
I don't know why I panicked so bad... when I am in a position to where I am trained not to panic! ha ha... I think it is harder when you see a familiar face. She was a familiar face, and came in often. I never knew her name until today! I was disappointed, because the majority of my co-workers were standing in this semi-circle staring at her. At first, I was afraid to talk to her, but all I could think about was, "if this ever happened to me, I would want someone to shoot the shit with, to help me get my mind off of what was happening/just happened, because I wouldn't be as scared"... I just hope that my pointless chatter helped in some way!!!
It's been a crazy week.. Work is crazy, then my dog got so sick, I was afraid I would lose him! And because of that, I don't think I've slept properly since thursday, not only that but have managed to empty my bank account in less than 24 hours (i love my dog, I really do!!!).. WW3 with my roomates occured last night!, which sucks, because my other roomate and I agreed to stay through june to help them figure out what they were going to do next.. Who knows if I can wait that long!!! Too many things going on at once. On a brighter side, I did manage to go to 2 clubs the weekend before last, and I didn't die! Imagine that! I went out, wasn't happy about it, but I did it! This weekend, I guess I am going to a strip club saturday to celebrate another friends birthday. I'm not exactly a strip club kind of person.. I've been to one in my life, and that was a few years ago when some friends of mine came to visit from back east. The dancers ended up being really cool... they'd just come to our table in between dances, and we'd all shoot the shit. I think it's a bostonian thing/east coast thing... just shooting the shit with random as hell people.. A lot of people that I encounter think that east coasters are so rude, and stuck up.. and not relaxed at all... Yeah, ok we're loud and obnoxious at times, especially when drinking excessively or the red sox/bruins/patriots/celti cs lose... or god forbid, we get beaten by a New York team!...But they will talk to anyone, about anything at anytime.. I don't feel that way here yet. I say yet because I've only been here four years this august.. but then again, I've been here four years, am I missing something?.. haha It's amazing how many people you can experience, just by shooting the shit. Anyhow.. I've yapped enough
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| How could it possibly be Sunday? |
| 02.22.04 (11:15 am) [edit] |
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Two days down, and my dog is still alright... I've been breathing the biggest sigh of relief. I can't imagine any days without him, either being the most loving puppy on the face of this planet, or the most mischievious! He was more back to himself yesterday, running around the yard, playing... thank god! We threw away all of his old toys though, cleaned the entire house.. just as a precaution. The past 3 days have blurred into one... I am soooo exhausted.. My roomate locked herself out of the house and was ringing the doorbell, pounding on the door. Her girlfriend does not believe in having a house key, which I believe is fucking ridiculous. If you live here, and you are very well aware of the fact that 3 other people live here with different agenda's every day... WHY are you gonna set yourself up to getting locked out?.. It's happened a few times... and then she gets mad at the rest of us!?...I even went out and got another fucking key... because I was the one subjected to her wrath this time... and her g/f was like.. "no! don't give it to her, she'll just get mad"... just get mad????? I don't get it.. never will!!! Oh well.... sleeep sleeeep sleeeeeeep...
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| Muscle cars, lack of sleep, and motorcycles.. |
| 02.20.04 (8:15 am) [edit] |
Yeah, yeah, I've been through this before.. I like motorcycles, ok I MORE than like them...and I like muscle cars, old camaros... love old mustangs... My roomates get this magazine, "Stuff"... it's stupid, although all the guys I work with love it. Anyway, as I was saying, this "Stuff" had this motorcycle feature... :P
I looked it over, drooled, counted my pennies.. it's still not happening. Closed the magazine, shut the fuck up about the motorcycles for a day.. then noticed that ford is releasing the latest version of the GT.. I am not much of a ford fan, I lean more towards Chevy when it comes to American cars... But this car is HOT... 135,000 dollars! Yeah!!!!!!!! Man, it is so nice... modern, yet not. Well it's good to dream.
I have gotten about 2 and a half hours of sleep. My beloved dog is pretty sick, and I had to take him up to the city to see his uncle bawk bawk. I could've taken him around here, but he knows her well, and he was losing things out of both ends that he shouldn't have been... so if someone was going to tell me something negative.. I would rather it be her, than some asshole who doesn't care...... I have to take him back to his reg. vet in a few minutes, they need to make sure he is alright... but grateful that he could come home last night, because he almost didn't. He is getting his own bank account today! Amazing how animals give you a reality check. I love this animal so much, all I could think about was how upset I would be if he were not ok... judging from what he was losing, I was sure that he wouldn't be.. which got me to thinking, I don't need no frickin' motorcycle, GT, or anything... I'd sell my fucking truck if I had to for my little guy. If I didn't have that smiling little face to look at every day, or the guilty expression after he's stolen some sock, or bra.... or cell phone... remote control.... I don't know what I would do!!!!!!!...... Love your pets!!! Get pet insurance!!! You'll thank yourself in the long run!
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| ironic! |
| 02.19.04 (10:01 am) [edit] |
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Mysterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.
What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Major Congestion |
| 02.19.04 (12:42 am) [edit] |
It's amazing to think with all that has been going on in my head lately, I haven't been able to express really, when this is perfect venue to do so. To get things out there, out of my head, true at times I feel that it's as if I am revealing to the masses, which in a sense I am, yet more so in more of a perpetual anonymity.
I am not a very emotionally expressive person. Not saying that I don't express emotions ever, but it's really hard for me to put what I am feeling in some sort of series of words, or assorted thoughts even. I guess I mull over things, until I figure it out somewhat. Even the closest people to me have a tendency to remark that I just don't say much emotionally when it comes to what's in my head, heart.. wherever! I don't know if that is a good thing, or bad thing. I love to laugh and act crazy as much as I love intellectual conversations and delving into the geeky.. because that's who I am. When it comes to talking about matters of the heart, it's another story. I say nothing at all, or enough to satisfy the questioner, but not enough for any questioner to gain further insight within the constantly turning wheels in my head. I'm even like that with my parents. I just can't figure out whether or not it is normal. I am fiercely private... and because of that aspect, the people who are closest to me feel as if there is this part of me that is extremely confusing, and they feel they will never get close to that part of me. I think that is the most sacred, safest part a person could have about themselves.. It's fragile, ya know? I want to protect it, not expose it! Yet, if being questioned, I get mildly defensive.. when you get defensive, people just assume you are a mystery, or have a dark secret to hide.. so they prod you further, and you wonder why, because there is really nothing. is this making sense??? I'm not making sense anymore, i give up!
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| wednesday |
| 02.18.04 (10:06 am) [edit] |
HA! just kidding!.... WOW, had a weird day yesterday, monday.. you name it. Here I am, as I sit before you... drinking coffee... half sitting, half kneeling on my chair. Suffering from Mother Nature's "Curse".. Alas, the reasoning for my wicked episode of PMS has come to make me suffer more.
I just gave myself the worst papercut on my roomates homework binder as I was re-adjusting myself on this chair.. How the hell did that happen!? Ow! My saga with the dentist made an unexpected left turn this past monday, when I woke up, and the left side of my face was killing me. My reg. dentist does not work on mondays, so I had to see someone else in the office. She was fuckin' mean!!!!!!!! I have this tooth that I've had a root canal on, and they fucked up on it.... and my present dentist had been watching it... it acted up of course, I had to go to someone else, who then was trying to convince me to go to her to finish... NO WAY! I already have a dentist who is great... I will let her treat me, when I expressed this... she looked at me and said quote "well, you're a big girl, I am sure you will make the right decision" then walked off! oh well.... Needless to say, I had to take painkillers which can either be good, or bad! I think every other time I take a pain killer it's a bad experience... Monday I took 1... started feeling better, although sleepy... 8 hours later I took another one and things started getting weird... I was suffering this weird kind of cold sweat.. where you feel cold tingling alll over you body... then felt like hurling... then felt shakey...... this went on for a little while... yuck....... Yesterday I was still messed up.. couldn't eat, think about eating, and slept until 4pm....I think that I am allergic to vicodin. Today I feel great... which is good, because I have a meeting to go to later... and I don't want to be trippin' out when I need to be paying attention... well, that's it for me..
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| Sometimes I wonder what's "up there". |
| 02.16.04 (7:59 am) [edit] |
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I survived this weekend. I don't know HOW but did. Went to a bar I've never been to before which was on the ocean, so that was nice.. and to a bar I've been before and hated, and still hate! It wasn't bad, but could've done without it. I had a drink at the first bar, though I had to drive later... it was the worst long island I've ever had. I ran into 2 friends I haven't seen since palm springs the year before last, as well as an old friend whom I spent all of my time hangin' with when I first moved here. It was a trip to see her! We were able to catch up like we saw each other yesterday. It's great to have friends like that... because they truly are friends! I am glad she is doing well, because she went through a not so pleasant break up a while ago. Bouncin back! Yesterday was good, so tired from the valentines festivities... but good. I am almost certainly going to be late for work.. Couldn't wake up! I feel slightly disturbed, due to the medley in my head at the moment... I actually woke up to "My love is like... Wo".. and Tom Greens "Backwards Man".... twisted!!.... It happens a lot! I don't know why!!... especially backwards man. I find myself thinking about it right before I go to bed, while I'm in a meeting, or trying to concentrate... It makes me smile so wide trying to stop the flood of silly lyrics in my head. So much so that my co-workers will say "backwards man, eh?"... shit!.. haha... yes.... Backwards man
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